journaley thing 2))Sometimes, when I think about all the people I've hurt, and all the families I've ruined, for money, I get sad. Regretful. I start to hate myself for what I do. Which is why I try to avoid actually thinking about it. At least, not in that way. Instead, I focus on the actual feelings, the senses. Like the feeling of my shovel connecting with someone's skull, or of blood over my fingers, the recoil of my gun, bones snapping in my hands, that kind of stuff. It's much easier than focusing on emotions, or even acknowledging them, most of the time.
journaley thing 1))I hate love. Hate it. It makes me feel...dependent. I don't like depending on people other than myself for anything, really. But I do. If something were to happen to Mica, if she were to leave, I don't know what I would do with myself. Because I love her to the point that Ican't live without her. I absolutely hate knowing that my entire world, my entire life, and the little happiness I have, literally depends on this one person. It makes me feel ...weak. I don't like feeling weak.